I Am Pretty Darn Happy. Yes. Yes, I Am.

You know... a few folks who read this won't believe it's actually me. I've come to be known as a practitioner of a lot of things over time, and the notion of counting on affirmations to make life better hasn't been part of my story.

(My poor kid. Everyone rolls their eyes at his grumpiness and says it's adolescent hormones. But he and I [and his dad and The Editor and a very few other dear folks] know that he came by it naturally... and that would be by way of his mom.)

I tend to like slapping Pollyannas around a little, actually.Tacky, I know, but at least I'm honest about it.

That's why I was tickled to read about this study, "Re-Writing the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of Social Rejection." Yes, really. Tickled. I think I giggled silently, in fact.
 
These researchers documented that writing a self-affirming essay helped relationally insecure people feel more secure, relaxed, and positive, even months later. I was so turned on by the notion that an essay exercise could be life-changing that I wrote the researchers and they kindly sent me a copy of the study.
 
Here's a quick description of the study, which will be published soon in the journal Psychological Science.

Okay, wait, what's a "self-affirming essay"? From the study: "Self-affirmation describes any task that bolsters the sense that the self is good, moral and efficacious."

So, what the heck's "relational insecurity"?

"We define relational security as confidence that one’s interaction partners value the self and will be responsive to one’s needs," say the study authors. For their participants, they counted friends, family, and current or potential future romantic partners.

Turns out some of us are especially squirmy when it comes to hearing that definition of relational security. As the researchers write, "Relationships are a minefield of potential self-threats, ranging from negative evaluative feedback to outright rejection." That's not the news. This is: We can "rewrite the rejection prophecy" with a quick little essay.

Wait -- what's a "rejection prophecy"? That's where you fear someone won't consider you valuable, so you jitter up and act in ways that, yep, provoke ‘em not to think so highly of you, and you bring about what you feared.

Study subjects -- nervous ninnies of varying degrees, like the rest of us -- wrote essays about values that were personally important, why the values were important, and how much the value made them "who they are.” When they were interviewed down the road, twice in two months, they were all deemed to be less anxious and more secure.

How 'bout that?
Don't let anyone tell you that writing as therapy is a waste of time. And by the way, the subjects weren't asked to put pen to paper and list what they desired or wanted to happen in the you-can't-prove-it-exists future. So y'all can just keep all those notions about I'm Gonna Make It Real By Writing It on the back burner until I see some science backing it up. And we're not talkin' memoir-length here, either -- just a 900-word essay. The key difference (and yes, they did have a control group) was that relationship ninnies who wrote about what they thought was valuable about themselves got the lasting warm fuzzies far more than the folks who wrote about how their personal values were important to someone else.

So there! What I think about me is more important to my relationships than what I think you think about me! 
Sorry. Did that sound ugly? 
I think I need to write another essay.
 
Now get out with your happy selves and spread a little sunshine. Or rain, depending on your locale and what their needs are...
 




(Twilight out the back door looks mighty different in different places. But it's the same good ol' sun goin down.)

Comments

[Bailey]

Fabulous! I love it!

[Jenn]

Love this one!!!!
Quite reassuring to learn that what I think is important. Funny - it makes so much sense when you write it - I feel silly for not realizing that my feelings about myself color the way others feel about me.

Good thing I freakin love my guts, huh?

[TPK Bodhisattva, of course]

happy to spread the joy... and lovin your guts is definitely a bonus.