Descansos Grandes de la Muerte

by Karrie Sue Chambless

Some months ago I commented that I would be mastering the art of forgiveness very soon.  Yeah, I was bein’ a little boastful and proud, but who wouldn’t take pride in forgiving?  The day after I made this statement I became enraged with my third ex-husband.  At the time I felt it was a huge setback, but I was mistaken.

We’ve all heard that forgiving others is more for us than for those who’ve hurt us; I’m findin’ it to be more true now than ever before.  Lettin’ go of anger, resentment, and bitterness has freed my soul, just like they said.  Like the lotus, we rise up gloriously out of the mud and mire, blossoming with compassion (red), inner wisdom (blue), and peace (gold). 

Sometimes forgiveness is something we have to work at, other times it just happens on its own.  Several years ago I discovered that I had forgiven my first husband without even realizing it.  Our relationship was hell, really.  We were young, had both just suffered personal traumas, and didn’t know what we were doin’, honestly.  We went to therapy, sought advice from our pastor, but it ended after a year and a half.

The last time we talked on the phone, which was almost 20 years ago, I told him to never contact me again.  I was angry, hurt, and felt like the victim.  A few years back he sent a message on LinkedIn with a short apology, and news of what he’d gone through after our divorce.  Surprisingly enough, I was happy to hear from him!  I thanked him for contacting me, and sent him my cell number, then waited anxiously for him to call.

I hadn’t made a conscious decision to forgive him.  Of course I’d thought about our relationship over the years, tried to make sense of it.  I’d just chalked it up to water under the bridge, lessons learned.  He finally called, just as surprised as I was that I was eager to talk with him.  I mean, our relationship was really ugly.  I had no idea when I’d forgiven him, but none of the ugly stuff from the past seemed to matter anymore.  Turns out it’d been an important learning experience for both of us.

And we still had things to learn from it.  Last summer I decided to go back to Austin for a visit with him and his parents.  Several people asked me if I was sure I wanted to do that, surprised I would even consider seeing him again.  I was certain that’s what I wanted to do.  See, we met soon after my grandfather committed suicide, and I was still tryin’ to work through some of that pain.  He drove me all over town, told me what part of my life had happened everywhere we went.  All that happened there was so painful I’d just blocked it out.  And since he was part of that time in my life, he had to be part of the healing.

We laughed and cried a lot.  I saw his parents.  I’d thought of them fondly many times through the years, and it was great to see them again.  I met the lady he shares his life with.  We had a wonderful time together.  It felt like all that bad stuff had never happened, and that we were all old friends who’d not seen each other in a very long time.

You’ll not hear me boasting that “I’ll soon be mastering the art of forgiveness,” ‘cause life always throws us opportunities to work on stuff, doesn’t it?  Rude drivers in the city, angry and aggressive neighbors, malicious co-workers.  Then our relationships with our friends, parents, children, and other loved ones...all opportunities to not take things personally. 

Don Miguel Ruiz wrote in his book "The Four Agreements," that "Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about me."

We hafta remind ourselves that it’s actually not “all about me;” and  “I am not the only one on the planet!”  Holding on to anger, hurt, and resentment weighs us down, makes us into angry, hurtful, and resentful people.  Forgiving others really is for ourselves.  It cleans out the muck and mire so our spirits can soar with compassion, wisdom, and peace, making us much nicer people to be around.

Comments

[Annalise]

Excellent post! I've shared w/others....... :)

[TPK Bodhisattva, of course]

muchas gracias, Annalise!